I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
