Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
