Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
