She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
