K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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