i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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