Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
