I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
