i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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