We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
