If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
