Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just invented taco cereal.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
