Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
