I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
