I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
