sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
