I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
