You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
