cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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