My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
