I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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