Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
