What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
