She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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