one two three fourrrrnication!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
