i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i wish my penis had a tongue
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
