onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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