I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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