its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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