After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't deserve a penis
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
