I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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