First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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