The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize