apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
