im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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