So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
