saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
