Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Four minutes until I can fart!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
