no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
