I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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