So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
