btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
