Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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