fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
