i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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