Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
