So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
