they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
