If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
