I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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