I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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